Candid Camera

January 23rd, 2014

“I’m sorry, sir. You can’t park here.”

“I can’t park here?”

“Yeah, you heard me. You can’t park here.”

I really needed to park there, and I wasn’t about to let him tell me no.

“Look, I-“

“Don’t ‘Look’ me. You can’t park here.”

I paused.

And looked at him.

He was a pudgy man. Bald, with glasses. If I didn’t get in the building in 4 minutes, our whole plan was going to be ruined, and it would all be because of this pudgy bald guy.

There were a lot of things I could have done at that moment, but only one option that was really feasible. I wanted to pull out my gun and shoot the plump old man in the chest several times. But that wasn’t an option.

“How much do you want?”

“How much do I want? I don’t want nothin’. I want you to take your car and go away. Park somewhere else.”

This was not going to be easy. I sighed. Breath turned to mist in the cold. I pulled out my wallet.

“No, no sir, no. Go back to your car and get out of here. Park somewhere else.”

I handed him 20 grand.

He just looked at it. Then he looked at me.

Then back at the money.

“What the hell is this? Candid camera?”

I wish it was, but:

“Nope. I just need to be in that apartment in 3 minutes or I’m in some deep trouble. Will you let me park here for 20k or not?”

He shifted his round body uncomfortably and looked around.

He looked at me again.

Come on, come on. Take it already.

“Are… really?”

People freeze up when things that they want are actually given to them. It’s natural. When something you’ve desired or wanted or sought after for a long period of time is finally given to you, we have a hard time accepting it. But mother of god, take the freaking money, please.

“Yes, please, take it. I need to go.”

“What… what is… what are you in such a hurry for?”

“My dad just had a heart attack- Look, I don’t have time to-“

I ran off.


The man stared in shock.

“Keep the money, please! Just don’t let me get towed!”

People believe all kinds of ridiculous things when they have $20k in their hands. They believe even more ridiculous things when they have counterfeit $20k in their hands. And when that $20k was given to them by a professional con man, well, let’s just say that they’ll pretty much believe anything I tell them.

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